Twilyte: A Spoof
by xLIVE-N-LOVE
Summary: A rewrite of the movie done with a friend. NOT FINISHED. Rated M for language, sexuality and pantsless-ness. Please review!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **Okay, so, my friend and I have been working on this during our photography class for the last couple weeks. It's our baby. After seeing the Twilight movie, we almost died due to the horrendous acting and awful script. So, we decided we needed to make a spoof movie. And, voila, Twilyte: A Spoof, was born. It's not finished, obviously. There are some running jokes in it. Feedback is love.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own the Twilight series, I do not own the Twilight movie or any of its merchandise. That's a big, fat DUH.

x

_Scene 1: Bella's room—morning in Forks._

**Bella: **_waking up._ (narration) It was raining… in _Forks._ I moved here from Spoons, Arizona so my vivacious, scatterbrained mother and… _Phil_ can have a life of their own. Isn't that so selfless of me?

_Bella goes downstairs, into the kitchen. Beer cans cover the floor. She trudges through to the note on the back door which reads, __**Bells—went to work. BBL.**_

**Bella: **_looking down—_way to go, chief.

_Scene 2: Parking lot._

**Bella: **At least it's not raining… _opens door, rain starts pouring. _Oh…

**Mike: **_appears holding an umbrella._ Hi, you're the new girl, right? (_Umbrella plays in background) he tries to grab her hand._

**Bella: **...get off.

**Jessica: **_waits at the driver's seat for Mike to come over with the umbrella-ella-ella. _Mike… it's raining.

**Mike: **Hey Jess.

**Jess: **Mike. It's. Raining.

**Mike: **Should have brought an umbrella.

**Jess: **_stutters and stands there._

_Scene 3: Cafeteria._

**Mike: **_talking a lot about his cats. can be improv._

_**The Cullens Enter.**_

**Bella: **Who are _they?_

**Jess: **(with disdain) They're the Cullens.

**Bella: **Are they always in slow motion?

_Scene 3.1: The Cullen Table_

**Edward: **_staring creepily at Bella._

**Alice: **Go talk to her. I know you two will get along swimmingly.

**Rosalie: **Are you serious? Really—Edward, are you serious?

**Emmett: **IS IT A HOT GIRL?!

**Rosalie: **Emmett, are you serious?

**Emmett: **I'M JUST LOOKING OUT FOR EDWARD!

**Background Person (Mia): **SHUT UP!

**Rosalie: **Emmett, seriously? Way to be discreet. Honestly? Seriously.

_Scenes cut back between Bella staring at Edward and Edward staring back. Rosalie cuts in occasionally and asks, "SRSLY?"_

_Scene 4.1: Biology_

_Bella walks in on time and stands awkwardly at the front of the room._

**Mr. Banner: **Have a seat by Mr. Cullen over there.

_Bella walks over._

_Edward starts looking like he's going to explode. _

_She covers her face with her hair._

_Edward starts twitching_

**Bella: **(narration) I knew I should have showered this morning…

_Edward runs out, bell rings._

_Scene 5: Gym_

_Bella walks in and gets hit in the head with a volleyball._

**Rosalie: **Srsly?

**Mike: **_rushes over. _Oh my gosh are you okay? Do you need help? DO YOU NEED MOUTH TO MOUTH?!?! _Puts his hand on her cheek._

**Bella: **…get off.

**Jessica: **_runs by and purposely trips. _Mike! Help me!

**Mike: **Get up.

_Scene 6: Front Office_

**Edward: **But… but she smells.

**Ms. Cope: **That's not a legitimate reason. NEXT QUESTION.

**Edward: **I see there's nothing you can do.

_Edward leaves._

_Bella walks up to the desk, arms squeezed to her sides uncomfortably._

_Scene 7: Bella's Room_

_Bella is sleeping. Thunder cracks._

_She wakes up, startled, and looks to the corner._

_Edward is standing creepily by her window._

_Confused, Bella turns the light on._

_When she looks back, Edward is gone and so are her pants._

_Scene 8: School Montage_

**Bella: **(narration) Edward hasn't been in school for days. I'm kind of hoping he shows up today since I actually showered.

_This is said over cuts of Bella sitting in her classes, doodling random I 3 Edward themed doodles in her notebook._

_Scene 9: Cafeteria_

_Bella and company sitting at table. She looks forlornly at the empty Cullen table. "Baby Come Back" from the mop commercial plays in the background._

**Bella: **Where are the Cullens?

**Jessica: **Camping, probably. They do that a lot… freaks.

**Bella: **Camping?

**Jessica: **Yea… I'd let Edward Cullen take _me_ camping any day.

**Bella: **_growls_

**Jessica: **…the fuck?

_Scene 10: Parking Lot_

**Mike: **Hey Bella! We're going to the beach soon, do you want to come with?

**Bella: **But it's always raining…

**Mike: **You could wear a bikini…

**Bella: **It's too cold for a bikini.

**Mike: **I could warm you up… _he puts his hand on her waist._

**Bella: **…get off.

_Scene 11: Bella's House_

**Bella: **Hey Ch-Dad! I'm home.

**Charlie: **_from couch in living room. _Beer?

**Bella: **How's the beach this time of year?

**Charlie: **Rain… and beer. It's raining beer.

**Bella: **Dad—that wasn't my ques—

**Charlie: **Beer… Everywhere.

**Bella: **_looking around, acknowledging the cans all over. _Yea, dad, you should really clean this up…

**Charlie: **You drink that… before you… put it down.

**Bella: **Good talk, dad.

_Scene 12: Biology._

_EDWARD'S BACK! OMGLOLZ!!!!2111?!1013191!!!_

**Edward: **Hello. I'm Edward Cullen. I enjoy fluffy romantic comedies, long walks on the beach and feasting on animal flesh.

**Bella: **_dazed. _Yea…?

**Edward: **Oh, and I really like watching you sleep.

**Bella: **Wait, what?

**Edward: **Feasting on animal flesh.

**Bella: **Oh, okay.

**Edward: **How do you feel about the sun?

**Bella: **It's overrated.

**Edward: **What about glitter? Do things dazzle you?

**Bella: **Frequently.

**Edward: **Tell me about yourself. I want to know everything.

**Bella: **My mom's flighty and eccentric. She married a shitty baseball player so I shipped myself here from Phoenix so they could have a life. I'm selfless. Charlie's an alcoholic and it's always totally miserable here. Not much to tell.

**Edward: **You're from Phoenix?

**Bella: **Yep.

**Edward: **But you're almost as pale as I am.

**Bella: **I don't really want to talk about it.

**Edward: **What else? Do you like it here?

**Bella: **I hate it here. It rains too much. There's no hope for my happiness. The dementors have been through these parts all ready.

**Edward: **The whats?

**Bella: **Dementors. Haven't you read Harry Potter?

**Edward: **Are they in any way, shape or form related to vampires and/or werewolves?

**Bella: **Um... no?

**Edward: **Tell me more.

**Bella: **It's my turn. What about your creepy ass family?

**Edward:** There's Emmett, who's huge and obnoxious and his sister-wife Rosalie. She's kind of an egotistical whore. Next we have Alice, who's just a little freak. Then there's Jasper who's having a little trouble adjusting to our lifestyle.

**Bella: **You mean incest?

**Edward: **No, feasting on animal flesh.

**Bella: **Oh.

**Edward: **So, how's Charlie adjusting to life with a daughter?

**Bella: **He's… adjusting.

_Cut to Charlie passed out on the couch with a beer can in his hand._

**Edward: **Adjusting how?

**Bella: **I don't really want to talk about it. I all ready told you he's an alcoholic, isn't that enough?

**Edward: **It's. Never. Enough.

_Awkward silence._

**Bella: **Are you going to continue the inquisition, or can I get back to my meiosis?

**Edward: **Do what you want.

_He pushes the microscope toward her and she takes it, their hands brushing._

_Edward snaps and comes really close to biting her neck._

_He quickly regains himself._

**Edward:**_ he flicks her. _Um… There was a spider… I got it.

**Bella: **What's wrong? Are you okay? Is this about your brother and sister being together? Do you want to talk about it? If you do, I'm totally here for you.

**Edward: **No thank you.

_The bell rings and Edward rushes out, leaving Bella sitting there in a daze._

_Scene 13: Bella's House_

_Bella is curled up in bed reading Twilight (LOL). She closes the book and turns the light out._

_Dream sequence. OOH._

_Bella dreams she and Edward are both on her bed (HOT) and she's wearing some weird, ridiculous slutty lingerie outfit._

_Edward bites her neck the way he almost did in Bio._

_Bella wakes with a fright._

_Her pants are gone._

_Scene 14: Parking Lot_

_Bella goes to get her books from the back of her car._

_Edward is standing at the other side of the lot, staring creepily._

_Bella notices and stares back, too frazzled to notice the huge ass fucking minivan spiraling toward her._

_Before the van hits her, Edward appears from nowhere and stops it._

_He is legit on top of her._

**Bella: **Where the hell did you come from?!

**Edward: **I was here the whole time.

**Bella: **Bull shit you were.

**Edward: **You hit your head.

**Bella: **I DID NOT!

**Edward: **Yes, you did. I was here the whole time.

**Bella: **No! That's not what happened!

**Edward: **What do you think happened?

**Bella: **I don't know! You were over there and I was standing around being dazzled by you and all of the sudden you're over here and on top of me. I kind of liked it.

**Edward: **Me too.

**Bella: **Really?!

**Edward: **Feasting on animal flesh…

**Bella: **I demand an explanation.

**Edward: **I demand you get on that stretcher while I laugh at you being carted away to the hospital.

**Bella:** Fuck you.

**Edward: **Yes please.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Glad you're all enjoying this. However, I'll be less inclined to keep adding what Ali & I come up with in class if people don't start reviewing more. Anyway, here's some stuff to know:

In this bit, we rip on Kristen Stewart for the pictures of her smoking a fucking bowl in broad daylight. (.com/galleries/kristen_stewart#30507) We also make fun of Robert Pattinson's drinking problem—according to my friend who knows a bunch about him, he gets shitfaced at clubs and licks other people's faces. We also quoted the movie "SLC Punk!" a few times. Bonus if you've seen that movie—it's one of our favorites. The last scene is not yet finished, but I wanted to put this bit up for you guys. Enjoy!

x

_Scene 15: Hospital_

**Carlisle: **I'm gorgeous… Well, it seems you're okay, Miss Swan. You should be able to leave today.

**Bella: **I still want an explanation, Edward!

**Carlisle: **Actually, you hit your head. You might need to stay the night.

**Edward: **I'll watch over her.

**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **I'd be here regardless.

**Bella: **_dazzled for a moment. _EXPLANATION. NOW.

**Carlisle: **Edward, can I see you in the hall for a moment?

**Charlie: **_laying drunk on the couch. _Beer?

_Scene 15.1: Hallway_

**Rosalie: **SRSLY EDWARD?!

**Edward: **Rosalie, I had to.

**Rosalie: **Fuck you, now we have to move. Again.

_Jasper slides in creepily & adjusts the mood._

**Carlisle: **Thank you, Jasper.

**Edward: **What am I supposed to tell her?

**Carlisle: **Keep lying to her. It worked for me… because I'm gorgeous.

_Scene 15.2: Hospital Room_

**Bella: **Dad, I'm going to get you another beer.

**Charlie: **Do you want a wheel chair? It'll help you move faster!

**Bella: **I'm fine, dad. _Bella gets up and trips. _Actually, maybe I'll take that wheel chair…

_Scene 15.3: Hallway_

**Bella: **Edward, I need to talk to you!

**Edward: **What the fuck is it now? I mean… hey.

**Bella: **Edward, this is ridiculous. This is not normal! You—I—the van—the crash!

**Edward: **Honey, you sound like you're on drugs.

_Cut to pictures of Kristen Stewart smoking a bowl in broad daylight. LOL._

"_Because I Got High," plays in background._

**Bella: **Did you know my stomach's green? _Awkward pause. _Why'd you even save me, anyway?

_Edward has a JD moment and goes into La La Land, thinking up what would have happened if he hadn't saved her._

_Scene 16: Edward's LOLcat_

_Van comes toward Bella and hits her._

_Edward twitches for a moment, then pounces._

_He takes her pants after drinking her blood and runs away._

_Screen shot of Edward drinking her blood and Rosalie in the background making her SRSLY face._

_The official LOLcat says SRSLY by Rosalie and "Bella—I can has pants and blood?" at the bottom._

_Scene 17: Hallway_

**Edward: **I CAN'T OMNOM IN PUBLIC!

**Bella: **Excuse me?

_Rosalie pushes Bella's wheelchair down the hall with Bella in it._

**Edward: **Rosalie, what the hell?

**Rosalie: **srsly?

_Scene 18: Car Ride Home_

**Charlie: **You should call your mother when we get home.

**Bella: **You really should not be driving.

**Charlie: **I'm a police ocifer!

**Bella: **_facepalm._

_Scene 19: Bella's Room_

**Bella: **Mom? It's me. I'm alive. Okay, bye.

**Renee: **Wait, wait, wait!

**Bella: **_smokes her weed. _Yea, mom?

**Renee: **Phil and I are going to come get you. We're worried.

**Bella: **What? No! I like it here in Forks. _Smokes again._

**Renee: **Is it a boy? Are you being safe?

**Bella: **Referring to what? I lead a very dramatic life.

**Renee: **Have you had the sex talk with your father? Don't let him know you're bumping uglies.

**Bella: **It's cool, ma. We haven't progressed past stalker stage yet.

**Renee: **Okay, sweetie, keep me posted! Bye!

**Bella: **_smokes again again. _Women.

_Bella puts her phone down and hallucinates that it turned into a snake._

_She laughs and turns around._

_She sees Edward in the corner and thinks she's hallucinating._

_Turns out he's actually there._

_Creep._

**Bella: **Hey man! What's goodies?

**Edward: **As if you don't have enough problems! You're being stalked by a vampire who steals your pants and you almost got hit by a car and now this?

**Bella: **What about my pants?

**Edward: **Nothing.

**Bella: '**Kay man! _Her pants are gone. _Wait—you're a poser. Only posers fall in love with girls. _Passes out._

**Edward: **Damn. _Goes up and smells her. He pulls a beer out, drinks it and licks her face._

_Scene 20: La Push Beach_

**Mike: **_rushes to car door. _I'll help you out!

_Bella,__still semi-stoned, takes a step and falls._

_Jacob, Quil and Embry appear._

**Jake: **You okay there, homie?

**Bella: **Yep.

**Jake: **Like father, like daughter. Are you drunk?

**Bella: **Naaaah.

**Quil: **You're fryin', man!

**Bella: **_laughs. _Yo… did my dad call? He's not looking for me, is he?

**Jake: **Nah, it's fine. Let me take care of you.

_Scene 20.1: Secluded Beach Area_

**Bella: **Tell me a story…

**Jake: **Well, see, once, there was this guy who was really bangin' and this girl who was really stoned' and you know, one thing led to another and they got a little somethin' somethin'…

**Bella: **No, Mike already told me that story!

**Jake: **What? I mean… yea, okay. Well, you know, people say our tribe is descended from wolves. And, you know, the cold bros—

**Bella: **What? I sense you're talking about Edward Cullen.

**Jake: **Cullen? Oh, yea, the Cullens. They're the cold bros… they drink blood, animal flesh… you know.


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: **Okay, I lied, I'll keep updating regardless of reviews. In this portion, we have the continued scene from the last bit—I put it all in one so nobody gets confused. Special thanks to Wikipedia, which we quoted, and Allegra, who asks me every time I see her if we wrote any more. Eventually, once we have this all casted (we're having trouble finding me an Edward) and a production team, Ali and I are going to film it and put it on YouTube. I'll let you know when that happens. Don't expect anything soon. My bet's going with a summer date for filming. Anywho, enjoy, lovies.

x

_Scene 20.1: Secluded Beach Area_

**Bella: **Tell me a story…

**Jake: **Well, see, once, there was this guy who was really bangin' and this girl who was really stoned' and you know, one thing led to another and they got a little somethin' somethin'…

**Bella: **No, Mike already told me that story!

**Jake: **What? I mean… yea, okay. Well, you know, people say our tribe is descended from wolves. And, you know, the cold bros—

**Bella: **What? I sense you're talking about Edward Cullen.

**Jake: **Cullen? Oh, yea, the Cullens. They're the cold bros… they drink blood, animal flesh… you know.

**Bella:** I've heard.

**Jake:** Yea, they're not allowed to come down here. They'll take our chicks.

_Bella and Jake start walking down the beach together._

_Bella slips and falls, getting all wet in the process._

**Bella:** Oh no! I'm all cold now.

**Jake:** I'll warm you up.

**Bella:** You really need some new material. Mike already told me that one too.

**Jake:** _sighs._ Moving on. Basically, we don't like them very much, they don't come over here… we can't play nice.

**Bella:** What would happen if a woman were to get involved with one of them?

**Jake:**_ looks at her, confused. _Involved how?

**Bella:** Well I keep having these dreams where I'm in lingerie…

**Jake:** …YEA?!

**Bella:** And then he comes in and we get a little somethin' something'…

**Jake:** I GET IT.

**Bella:** You asked…

**Jake:** You should go.

**Bella:** Yea, I gotta learn myself something about magical mythological creatures of the imagination.

_Scene 21: Bella's Room_

_Bella turns on her computer and opens the internet._

_Her homepage is vampire porn._

_LOL._

_She goes to Wikipedia and searches Edward Cullen._

_She clicks on the traits and abilities link_

**Bella: **"…possesses superhuman beauty strength, speed, endurance agility…" _gasps and looks at a completely candid picture that she took of him while she was being a creepy stalker. _I know what you are.

_Scene 22: Downstairs_

**Bella: **Bye dad! I'm going to Port Angeles with Jess and Angela.

**Charlie: **Be safe… and bring back beer.

_Scene 23: Port Angeles_

_Jess and Angela emerge from the car, coughing._

**Jess: **Bella, we would really appreciate it if you would _not_ hotbox in the car while we're in it.

**Bella: **My b.

**Jess: **_ad-lib tangent about finding a dress and the dance and Mike._

_Scene 24: Dress Shop_

_Jess and Angela come out with dresses on._

**Jess: **What do you think about this one?

**Bella:** Blue is _really _not your color.

**Jess:** Every color is my color.

**Angela:** What about this?

**Bella:** That is so pretty!

**Jess:** _muttering. _Bitch.

_New dresses._

**Jess:** I think I like this one.

**Bella:** You should get it.

**Jess:** Really?!

**Bella:** Yea, so you can burn it.

**Jess:** Don't you have something plain to do?

**Bella:** _holding up peace sign. _Book store.

_Scene 25: Book Store_

_Bella goes and searches around for a book about vampires._

_Eventually, she finds exactly what she's looking for in, you guessed it, TWILIGHT. Ha._

**Bella: **I really wish I could read…

_She goes to the children's section and finds a picture/pop up book about vampires and reads it happily on the floor._

_Scene 26: the Streets of Port Angeles_

_Bella's walking around, looking at the sky, dazzled by the stars._

_Distant laughing and drunken hollering can be heard behind her._

**Rapist #1:** Well, if it isn't Queen of the Plain People!

**Bella:** Huh? I heard my name!

**Rapist #3:** Wow, Rapist #2, it's really fortunate that she's all alone without a dazzling, really attractive man-boy in a shiny Volvo of vampire justice here to protect her.

_Screeching tires._

_ENTER EDWARD FUCKING CULLEN… BITCH._

_He steps out of the car and slowly removes his badass sunglasses._

"_You're Unbelievable" (or whatever it's called) plays in the background._

**Edward:** _in accordance to "you're unbelievable!" lyrics. _Thank you.

**Rapist #2:** Who is this queer?

**Rapist #3:** It's the dazzling, really attractive man-boy in a shiny Volvo of vampire justice here to protect her.

**Bella:** What?

**Edward:** _pulls out his phone and reads a text from Rosalie that says SRSLY? _Get in the car.

**Bella:** Okay!

**Edward:** I usually stick to my diet, but you guys are close enough to animals. _He growls._

_The rapists run away._

_Scene 26: Edward's Shiny Volvo of Vampire Justice (Bringing You Justice 24/7)_

_Danger Zone playing in the background_

_Edward stares at her angrily as he drives._

**Bella: **Can you not do that while you drive? It makes me nervous.

**Edward: **Can you not almost kill yourself every time you take a step? It makes _me_ nervous.

**Bella: **Edward, I totally had it covered.

**Edward: **I could tell.


	4. Chapter 4

I'm back with more. There's a huge SLC Punk! reference in the restaurant scene. Please don't feel bad if you don't understand parts of that. I suggest if you want to understand it better, you go watch that movie. It's rather excellent, if I do say so myself. Oh, and I keep forgetting to leave my apologies—the link on the second chapter to the wonderful pictures of Kristen Stewart smoking a bowl didn't come up. Just google it (under websites, not images). Lots of pictures will be on those very websites. Have at it, then.

x

_Scene 27: Edward's Shiny Volvo of Vampire Justice (Bringing You Justice 24/7)_

_Danger Zone playing in the background_

_Edward stares at her angrily as he drives._

**Bella: **Can you not do that while you drive? It makes me nervous.

**Edward: **Can you not almost kill yourself every time you take a step? It makes _me_ nervous.

**Bella: **Edward, I totally had it covered.

**Edward: **I could tell.

_Awkward silence for a minute._

**Edward:** _twitching. _Do something. Distract me. Talk. Sing. Put on a CD.

**Bella:** _lights up._ Got it.

**Edward:** What are you doing? You can't do that! It's bad for you! No—what?

**Bella:** Chill, bro.

_Let's Go Smoke Some Pot plays in the background._

_Edward's totally speeding._

**Bella: **Duuuuuuude! We're in a rocket ship! Yooooo!

**Edward:** Don't you want to know why I'm here?

**Bella:** Where's here?

**Edward:** Well, basically, I was stalking you.

**Bella:** Are we going to progress past stalker stage any time soon? Cuz, like… if we are, I gotta call my mother.

**Edward:** I should go back and kill them! You have no idea what kinds of disgusting things they were thinking!

**Bella:** Neither do you.

**Edward:** Actually…?

**Bella:** Oh my god, Edward, just fucking spit it out already!

_Edward stops the car abruptly._

**Edward:** We're here.

**Bella:** Where's here?

**Edward:** Get out the car, bitch.

**Bella:** Wait, wait, I gotta call Jess.

**Edward:** You don't need to, she's already in there.

**Bella:** 'Kay!

_Jess and Angela come emerge from the restaurant._

**Angela: **Oh, Bella, we ere going to wait for you but we got really hungry. We were really worried!

**Jess: **Yea, we figured you got raped.

**Edward: **Bella is not at liberty to discuss what has passed since she left your company.

**Jess: **What?

**Edward: **She pleads the fifth.

**Angela: **We just wanted to make sure she—

**Edward: **She. Pleads. The. Fifth.

_Scene 28: Italian Restaurant_

**Bella:** I'm not really that hungry.

**Edward:** Yes you are.

**Bella:** Okay.

_They go sit down._

**Bella:** Alright, man, you drive a spaceship and you saved me from a car. Tel me what the dealio is here, brosky.

**Edward:** You really want to know?

**Bella:** Yup.

**Edward:** Are you sure?

**Bella:** Yup.

**Edward:** Even if it's not what you want to hear?

**Bella:** Yup.

**Edward:** Okay, we're going to play a game to figure it out. Ready?

_He draws a hangman game on the table cloth._

**Bella:** Hangman? I love hangman! Okay, I got this, I got this… Q!

**Edward:** No.

**Bella:** Really? No Q? Really?

**Edward:** Yes really, you dumb bitch.

**Bella:** Alright… Z!

**Edward:** No. No.

**Bella:** Really? What are the chances? Okay, I'm going to get really crazy here... A.

**Edward:** You actually got one! Good job. _He fills in the letter._

**Bella: **Sweet. Q!

**Edward:** You already guessed that!

**Bella:** No I didn't.

**Edward:** Okay, I'm going to go ahead and give you some of them. _He fills out the rest of the word._

**Bella:** Vampire?

**Edward:** Shh! Not so loud!

**Bella:** Are you him?

**Edward:** Yea… I'm him.

**Bella:** BATMAN! Have I sinned or am I going to heaven?

**Edward:** What?

**Bella:** Wait a minute… you're not Batman, you're Edward!

**Edward:** I'm Edward! Where is this conversation going?

**Bella:** I didn't know Batman was a vampire!

**Edward:** I'M NOT BATMAN! This would be so much easier if I could read your mind.

**Bella:** Why do you want to read my mind? Wait—you can read minds?

**Edward:** I can read the minds of everyone else in this room but yours. Look. (camera focuses on other people in the restaurant). Sex, money, sex, money—(camera turns back to Edward who gestures toward someone else in the back) …cats.

_PICTURE OF D. GALLAGHER COMES UP ON THE SCREEN!_

**Bella:** _ad-lib stuttering. _I don't understand!

**Edward:** What could you possible have missed?

**Bella:** _throws garlic at him. _You're still here!

**Edward:** Yea, Bella, not all the myths are true.

**Bella:** What about the myths in… _she pulls out Twilight. _This book?

**Edward:** I read that one… Most of it makes no sense.

_SPOILER ALERT!!!1 FLASHES ACROS THE SCREEN._

**Edward:** Yea, apparently I got some chick pregnant.

**Bella:** Stop! You're ruining it for me! I totally haven't gotten that far!

**Mia:** _spills her drink on Bella. _SORRY!

**Bella:** I'm all wet again!

**Edward:** _moving his hands from the table to cover his boner. LOLerface. _What?

**Waitress:** I could help you with that… _referring to his boner._

**Bella:** Could you _be_ any more obvious?

**Waitress:** I could try. _She sits on his lap._

_Edward starts twitching._

**Bella:** …get off!

**Edward:** I'll have a beer.

**Bella:** I'm not hungry, thanks.

**Edward:** Yes, you are.

**Bella:** Okay, I'll have chicken parm, a Caesar salad and extra bread. Please.

_Waitress leaves._

**Bella:** So wait, you can read minds?

**Edward:** Yes.

**Bella:** Can you guess what I'm thinking?

**Edward:** …Q?

**Bella:** HOW'D YOU KNOW?!

**Edward:** Just a shot in the dark… but really, I can't red your mind.

**Bella:** Really? Guess what I'm thinking now!

**Edward:** Q.

**Bella:** Are you sure you can't read my mind?

**Edward:** Positive. _Pulls out Breaking Dawn. _I think there's something about it in here…

**Bella:** STOP RUINING IT FOR ME! So, am I on the menu tonight?

**Edward:** Not in the way you're thinking…

**Bella:** I don't understand.

**Edward:** We're vegetarians.

**Bella:** Yo, you like greens too?

**Edward:** Animal flesh?

**Bella:** Oh! That makes so much more sense now!

_The food comes._

_Bella eats a little bit of it then pushes it aside._

**Edward: **You barely touched your food.

**Bella: **I told you, I'm not that hungry. Isn't that enough?

**Edward: **It's. Never. Enough.

**Bella: **So, what's up with you and the Quileutes?

**Edward: **Oh, those dogs?

**Bella: **Yo man, they're my dogs forreal.

**Edward: **…time to go.

_Waitress comes back with the check._

_She leaves a napkin which has her name (Mildly Attractive, Slutty Waitress) and number on it._


	5. Chapter 5

More spoof has arrived! The semester ends in a week and a half, which means that will be the end of my photo class which is when Ali and I get all of our script writing done. We're going to try and plow through as much as we can (we're about 45-50 minutes through the movie right now) and then we'll see what happens when photo's over. Anyway, enjoy!

x

_Scene 29: Car Home_

_Bella & Edward get in the car._

_Bella turns on the music._

_Let's Go Smoke Some Pot plays again._

**Bella: **I love this song!

**Edward: **Are you fucking kidding me?

**Rosalie: **_randomly pops out of nowhere. _SRSLY?! _She disappears._

_They sit in awkward silence for a while._

_Bella holds the gear shift and starts basically jerking it off._

_Edward goes to touch the gear shift._

**Edward: **…um…

**Bella: **Oh my gosh, your hands are icy cold!

**Edward: **I was ice fishing… with my bare hands

**Bella: **That's so rugged…

**Edward: **Can we just go back to the awkward silence please?

_More awkward silence._

_Bella, looking out the window, sees Charlie's cruiser._

**Bella: **Oh no, not another DUI…

**Edward: **No, Carlisle's there too.

**Bella: **Let's go… he's gorgeous.

_Scene 30: Police Station_

**Charlie: **Sup Bells?

**Carlisle: **I'm gorgeous.

**All: **…yea…

**Carlisle: **Edward, we have a situation on hand…

**Edward: **Yes, doctor.

**Bella: **What's the situation? Why is everything always a secret? Why don't you ever tell me anything? Edward, if we're going to be friends, you have to start telling me things. It's about trust, you have to trust me! Why don't we ever talk about me and my needs?!

_Jasper slides in and adjusts the mood._

**Carlisle: **Thank you Jasper. I'm gorgeous.

**Bella: **I know…

**Charlie: **Bella, We've got a situation here…

**Bella: **Yea, Carlisle was just telling Edward about it.

**Charlie: **Unimportant. Bells. We ran out of beer. _There is a beer in his hand._

**Bella: **Did you check your hand?

**Charlie: **Which one?

**Bella: **The one with the beer in it? _She lifts his hand with the beer in it._

**Charlie: **Thank you so much!

_Bella rolls her eyes and goes over to Carlisle._

**Bella: **So, what's the dealio, bro?

**Carlisle: **There's been an animal attack.

**Edward: **Animal flesh.

**Bella: **'kay.

**Edward: **Let's get you home. I'll meet you in your room in ten.

**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **Animal flesh.

**Bella: **'kay.

_Scene 31: Bella's Room_

_Bella cracks open her Twilight book and reads some._

**Bella: **_reading aloud. _"Of three things I was sure: Edward was a vampire. There was some part of him, and I didn't know how strong that part may be, that thirsted for my blood. And, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. _Gasps. _I know what you are… again.

_Edward appears._

**Bella: **Dude! Why didn't you tell me you were a vampire?!

**Edward: **Didn't we… never mind.

**Bella: **That explains a lot.

**Edward: **Like what?

**Bella: **Like you trying to eat me…

**Edward: **Kinda… actually, yea.

**Bella: **_pokes his nose. _But I'm not afraid of you.

**Edward: **We'll chat about this later.

_Scene 32: School_

**Edward: **You know, we really shouldn't be friends…

**Bella: **Then stop talking to me!

**Edward: **I don't really feel like it. I'm not dangerous, but I'm not honest.

**Bella: **I'm not interested, but I'm not honest.

**Edward: **Let's go for a walk.

**Bella: **Okay!

_Scene 33: the Woods_

**Bella: **So we're here… alone… with no one else…

**Edward: **Oh my god, Bella, I want you to respect me! How can you respect me if we just have sex right off the bat? I have feelings, you know! Jasper can't control them all the time! I mean God, Bella! I glitter, for God's sake! _He goes into the sun and takes off his shirt._

**Bella: **Oooh, shiny.

**Edward: **You don't understand! This is the mark of a monster!

**Bella: **Glitter doesn't make you a monster…

**Edward: **Are you calling me a fag? I'm not gay, Bella. I'm not gay!

**Bella: **You said it, not me.

**Edward: **Don't you understand? Everything about me invites you in! My voice—

**Bella: **…is kind of irritating right now.

**Edward: **My looks—

**Bella: **…are mildly distracting.


	6. Chapter 6

It's an update!

PSYCHE.

Well, it is an update, but not the kind you're thinking of. This is an update to tell you all what's going on here. So, we have a snow day today which means the last day of the semester gets pushed to Monday. That makes absolutely no difference with this, really. Ali and I aren't going to be able to get more of this done in photo class. How sad. I think we have gym together, but it won't be nearly as productive since we won't have computers right in front of us to type everything out on. You're going to have to wait a little bit—it's hard to do that, I know.

I'm also a very busy person. I don't have any time to just hang out with Ali on weekends to get shit done because I have college auditions every single weekend in a row until the end of February. Then I also have one at the beginning of March and then I'm done (thank god). Don't get your panties in a twist if there isn't an update for a long time.

Now, onto the next matter of business: does anyone have any good ideas on how Ali and I can rope ourselves in an Edward? Honestly, we can't find anyone. No one in our school is good looking enough, and I don't know anyone else who will actually do it considering it's the most ridiculous thing EVER. Ideas on how to find someone would be much appreciated, please and thank you.

Also, I'm loving the feedback from everyone. Srsly, you guys are super. Keep reviewing, I need it to live.

Thanks everyone!

Looooove,

Natalie


	7. Chapter 7

_Scene 33 (Continued): the Woods_

**Edward: **My smell…

**Bella: **um… actually?

**Edward: **As if I'd need any of that anyway… _runs around like a douche bag. _As if you could outrun me! _Runs again. _As if you could fight me off… _breaks a twig on his leg. _Ow… I wanted to kill you.

**Bella: **_takes a hit. _…what?

**Edward: **… I wanted to kill you.

**Bella: **I'm high as fuck.

**Rosalie: **srsly?

**Edward: **I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore. You're like my own personal brand of heroin.

**Bella: **… I don't do heroin.

**Edward: **I can't read your mind—tell me what you're thinking.

**Bella: **I got nothin'.

**Edward: **And so the lion fell in love with the lamb. _He licks her face._

**Bella: **Where?

**Edward: **What a sick, sexy, sultry, seductive… masochistic lion.

**Bella: **_takes a hit. _…what?

**Edward: **Forget it.

_Scene 34: the Meadow_

_Bella and Edward lay in the meadow._

_Edward sparkles._

_Bella is dazzled._

**Bella: **These are my sultry eyes.

**Edward: **I'm drunk.

_They chill, softly arguing over who is prettier._

_Scene 35: Bella's Room_

**Bella: **Of three things I was certain: 1. I was high as fuck. 2. Edward wants to omnom me. 3. I was high as fuck. Oh yea, and I was like… in love and stuff… minor details.

_Scene 36: School_

_Bella and Edward exit the car._

_Edward's rocking his BAMF shades._

_Bad ass music plays in the background._

_Smoke pours out of the car._

**Edward: **Could you not hotbox on the way to school?  
**Bella: **Edward, everyone's staring…

_There are 3 people outside and none of them are looking._

**Edward: **_shakes his head. _Not that guy. Oh wait, he looked. _Pulls beer out of nowhere. _I'm breaking all the rules now anyway.

_Scene 37: Bella's House_

**Bella: **_dancing to the carwash song in a bikini and singing. _Workin' at the carwash! Car wash, yea!

_Edward jumps on her car._

**Bella: **What the fuck? Who are you? Who the fuck do you think you are? What the hell, man?!

**Edward: **Bella, it's me.

**Bella: **Jesus fucking Christ, could you act human? _Looks at Edward who is holding a handful of dollar bills. _What the fuck is that?

**Edward: **Well… you were dancing… and almost naked… bikini dancing… I got confused.

**Bella: **_Looks at money again. _How much do you have there?

**Edward: **_stuffs money into his pocket. _You're coming to meet my family.

**Bella: **Now?

_Billy wheels out from behind a tree and makes a face._

_Scene 38: the Cullen Home_

_Bella is smoking in the car._

**Edward: **Do you need to do that every time we go somewhere?  
**Bella: **I needed to relax, man.

_Scene 38.1: the Kitchen_

**Rosalie: **_tossing a salad. _Srsly? I mean, srsly?

**Esme: **Rosalie, be nice.

**Rosalie: **SRSLY?

_Emmett hangs meat from the ceiling and starts punching it._

_Bella and Edward enter._

**Esme: **I hope you're hungry, Bella.

**Bella: **oh… yea.

**Edward: **She already ate.

_Rosalie smashes a bowl._

_It doesn't break right away._

_She smashes it with her ridiculous high heels._

**Rosalie: **SRSLY?!?!

**Edward: **She's not going to tell anyone…

**Emmett: **JUST DON'T EAT HER, OKAY?

**Edward and Rosalie: **SRSLY.

_Alice and Jasper enter._

**Alice: **Hi, I'm Alice. I'm annoying.

_Jasper growls and makes omnoming noises._

**Alice: **it's okay, Jasper, you won't hurt her…

_Edward has a JD moment._

_In his mind, a clip from Madagascar plays._

_(Mort: I liked them before they even got here!_

_King Julian: Oh my god, you are so annoying!)_

**Edward: **Bella, let me show you around the house.

_They walk upstairs and pass a High School Musical 3 poster with the Cullens' faces photoshopped onto the cast members._

_Scene 38.2: Edward's Room_

**Bella: **You have… so much music… What are you listening to right now?

_She pushes play on his CD player._

_Barbie Girl blasts in the background._

**Edward: **Aqua… you probably don't—

**Bella: **No, Barbie Girl is great…

_They slow dance._

**Bella: **I'm not afraid of you.

**Edward: **You really shouldn't have said that.

_He takes her on his back and they jump onto a tree._

**Bella: **Did I smoke?  
**Edward: **You better hold on tight, spider monkey.

**Bella: **I definitely smoked… This is unreal.

**Edward: **It's real in my world… Wait, who the fuck wrote this shit?

_Scene 39: School_

**Mike: **So, you and Cullen, huh?  
**Bella: **…

**Mike: **I don't like it. It looks like he wants to omnom you.

**Bella: **It's not like that, Mike! He and I don't have that kind of relationship, okay? He doesn't thirst for my blood or anything—he's not some kind of vampire!

**Rosalie: **srsly?

_Scene 40: Bella's House_

_Charlie sits in the kitchen drinking a beer and cleaning a super soaker menacingly._

**Bella: **I'm going on a date with Edward Cullen.

**Charlie: **Did he bring beer?  
**Bella: **Probably.

**Charlie: **Sweet. _Pumps the super soaker thing._

**Edward: **I wanted to formally introduce myself. I'm Edward Cullen.

**Charlie: **Beer? Where's my beer? Bella said you'd have beer.

**Edward: **You told him?  
**Bella: **_takes a hit. _What?

**Edward: **We're going to play baseball.

**Charlie: **LOL.

**Bella: **Hi, I'm Bella, I'm uncoordinated. I don't know if we've met?  
**Edward: **I'll have her home safe.

_Scene 41: Baseball_

_Song from movie scene plays._

**Esme: **Oh good, you're here. We need an umpire.

**Emmett: **SHE THINKS WE CHEAT.

**Esme: **Emmett, inside voices. Just call them as you see them, Bella.

_Bella stands, blinking furiously._

**Emmett: **LET'S PLAY BASEBALL!!!!21lk!921?1/L1E

_Rosalie hits it._

_She strikes out._

**Bella: **You're out.

**Rosalie: **SRSLY?!?!

_Jasper does the awkward turtle._

**Emmett: **AWKWARD TURTLE ON ITS BACK IS MORE AWKWARD! _Demonstrates._

**Esme: **Emmett! Inside voices!

**Emmett: **SORRY!


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Sorry for the lack of note at the top of the last update. Anyway, Ali and I are heading in for the home stretch—last quarter seniors! Oh nine! We did the last bit when she slept over my house last week and this small update is what we managed to get done in gym class while we were sitting around and doing nothing thanks to the gym teachers' lack of organization. Not that I'm complaining, I hate gym. (Take a look at Bella in the volleyball scene in the Twilight movie. That's me in every sport ever in the history of the universe). We're almost finished with this, thank goodness. We hope to start filming in the summer. Anyway, here's a missing scene we forgot to do (how, we're not sure, it's only the GREATEST SCENE in the whole movie) and some more. For those of you that want to understand our inspiration for Victoria, go look up Bon Qui Qui on YouTube. (:

x

_Scene 38 For Real: Bella's Room_

**Bella: **(on the phone) Mom, we're past stalker stage.

**Renee: **Hold on, let me put my rattle down.  
**Bella: **… mom?

**Renee: **So, tell me all about him. Is he built? Does he have good hands? Boxers of briefs?

_Edward appears._

**Bella: **_blinking a lot. _I-I have to go.

**Renee: **Make him pull out!

_Bella closes the phone._

**Bella: **Where did you come from?  
**Edward: **Your window.

**Bella: **How do you know where I live?  
**Edward: **I kind of stalk you.

**Bella: **That's fine with me.

**Rosalie: **_emerging from the shadows. _Srsly? _She retreats back to the shadows._

**Bella: **How long have you been doing that?  
**Edward: **About a year.

**Bella: **I've only been here a couple months.

_Awkward pause._

**Edward: **I just want to try one thing.

_Bella lunges at him._

**Edward: **Stay very still.

_Edward leans in slow as fuck._

_Their noses touch._

**Bella: **(whispered) Our noses are touching!

_He finally kisses her._

_She practically fucking attacks him._

_Edward pulls out the furry handcuffs._

**Bella: **Kinky.

_They kiss again._

_Bella pulls out a sex toy._

_Edward jumps to the other side of the room._

**Edward: **Bitch, I don't play that game!

**Bella: **I'm sorry.

_They talk for a while._

_Bella falls asleep._

_Edward stares at her without blinking._

_Bella sleeps restlessly._

x

_Scene 41 Continued: Baseball_

_Alice stops and gasps._

**Carlisle: **What is it?  
**Alice: **The plot.

**Carlisle: **Is this going to affect my gorgeous face?

**Edward: **_involuntary stream of curses._

**Rosalie:** Srsly?  
**Emmett: **WHY'D WE STOP THE GAME? IS BELLA TIRED 'CUZ SHE'S A HUMAN?!

**Edward: **Sorry, Tourettes.

_Bella blinks uncontrollably._

_Edward puts a potato sack over her head and hoists her over his shoulder._

_Laurent, James and Victoria enter in slow motion._

**Laurent: **I believe this is yours. _He holds out baseball._

**Carlisle: **Thank you. Are you the cause for this recent uproar?  
**Victoria: **Escoo me?

_James makes his funny face in the background._

**Carlisle: **I'd appreciate it if you'd hunt elsewhere. We maintain a permanent residence near here.

**Laurent: **I apologize. Could you use three more players?

**Emmett: **FUCK YOU, WE GOT GOOD TEAMS ALREADY!

**Victoria: **This guy tryin' 'a fight me!

**Carlisle: **Actually, some of us were just leaving.

**Emmett: **IS BELLA GOING HOME CUZ SHE'S A HUMAN?!

_The wind blows past them._

**James: **_walks over to Edward. _Got enough to share?

_Edward hisses like a bitch._

**Emmett: **OH SHIT, MAH B!

**Bella: **What's going on? I have a bag on my head! Edward, let me down!

**Carlisle: **She's with us.

**James: **Can I have some blood?

**Victoria: **You can have a coke.

**Laurent: **I see that the game is over. We'll go now.

_James, Victoria and Laurent leave._

_Scene 42: Shiny Volvo of Vampire Rescue Missions (Rescuing defenseless humans 24/7)_

**Edward: **We have to get you out of here. You don't know what they were thinking.

**Bella: **Neither do you.

_Edward has a JD flashback._

_Footage from the original "I can read minds" scene plays._

**Edward: **Didn't we…? Never mind. He's a tracker. The hunt is his obsession—he'll never stop. I just made this his most exciting game.

**Bella: **I like games! Jake taught me strip poker!

_Edward growls._

**Bella: **Yo, I was supposed to get Charlie a six pack!

**Edward: **We don't have time for this shit right now!

**Bella: **Let me say goodbye, at least.

_They arrive at her house._

**Edward: **Okay, five minutes. Meet you in your room?  
**Bella: **What?

**Edward: **Nothing.

_Scene 43: Bella's Escape (Part 1)_

_Bella storms in._

_This conversation takes place as she passes between rooms, getting her shit together._

**Charlie: **_sober. _Bella. Do you have the beer?

**Bella: **I was just going to go get it.

**Charlie:** THE ONE TIME I ASK YOU FOR SOMETHING!

**Bella: **Dad, I have to go.

**Charlie: **To the store.

**Bella: **No, dad, I can't be your beer girl. I have to leave or I'll be stuck here like mom.

_Bella leaves._

_Charlie watches, devastated._

_Scene 44: Shiny Volvo of Vampires who Encourage Human Girls to Lie to their Fathers (Helping them think of lies 24/7)_

**Edward: **He'll forgive you.

_Bella pouts._

_There's a thud on the car._

_Bella freaks out._

**Edward: **Don't worry, it's just Emmett.

_Shot of Emmett on top of the car with a foam finger yelling, "WOOOOOOOO!"_


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: We're almost done! Woohoo! Anyway, the year's closing out, which means prom and graduation and a whole shit ton of other things I don't want to think about because I'll get all sad. Just enjoy this. Filming should be good for the summer—we got it mostly casted. (:

x

_Scene 45: Edward's Garage_

**Edward: **I'll run to Amsterdam with Bella.

**Bella: **There's weed there!

**Alice: **No, Edward, I'll take care of her.

**Bella: **Do you have weed too?

**Carlisle: **Esme, Rosalie, take Bella's clothes and put them on.

_Emmett takes Bella's shirt off of her._

_Edward already has her pants._

_They throw them to Esme and Rosalie._

**Rosalie: **SRSLY?

**Carlisle: **Even though she's nowhere near as gorgeous as I am, Bella is a part of our family now. We protect our family.

_Rosalie puts on clothes._

_Bella gets in the car._

**Edward: **If anything happens to you, I swear, I'll hate myself for the rest of my unnatural life. _Speech bubble appears next to his head that says 'I R self loathing.'_

**Bella: **Edward, Edward, one thing before you go!

**Edward: **What?!?!?

**Bella: **You got a light?

_Scene 46: Car_

**Bella: **(naration) I never gave much thought to how I was going to die. But dying stoned sounds pretty sweet. A lot of she's gone down, but I'm with the hottest guy in school, so it's not all bad. I don't regret any of it.

_Scene 47: The Woods with the Cullens!_

**Carlisle: **Rosalie, rub up on that tree.

**Rosalie: **SRSLY? You're fucking kidding ,right?

_Cut to shot of James running through the forest, finding discarded shirts._

**James: **Really? I mean, really guys? Come on.

_Cut back to the Cullens._

**Edward: **_stops short and makes jizz in pants face. _He's figured it out.

_Scene 48: Hotel_

_Bella takes a pill and starts hallucinating._

_Alice gasps._

**Jasper: **What do you see?

**Alice: **Mirrors. A room full of mirrors.

_Alice draws a stick figure ballerina and an elementary arch._

**Bella: **He's going to a ballet studio?

**Alice: **Are you seeing things again?

**Bella: **No, my old ballet school had an arch just like that.

**Jasper: **Is it close to here?

**Bella: **(narration) I wanted to tell them the truth, but I knew this was the only way to save Edward. (end narration) No. It's really far away. It's in Amsterdam. Don't worry about it.

_Bella goes into her room._

_Her cell phone rings._

**Bella: **Mom! I don't want to talk about boys!

**Video tape of Renee: **Bella? Bella, where are you?

**Bella: **Mom?

**James: **Don't put your address out on facebook.

**Bella: **Who are you?

**James: **James… you know, I'm hunting you?

_James is looking at vampire porn on Bella's computer at home._

**Bella: **Oh, what's good, man?

**James: **Look, I'm going to your old ballet studio… if you could meet me there…? Kay thanks.

**Bella: **Is my mom coming? Is it a party? Can I bring my weed? Did you tell her I smoke? Is this an intervention?

**James: **No to everything. Except the weed. Bring that.

**Bella: **Alright bro, when should I meet you?

**James: **How about now?

_Bella opens the door and Alice and Jasper a going at it._

**Bella: **Hold on, I just want to stay another minute…

_Scene 49: Ballet Studio OF DEATH_

**Bella: **I brought the weed!

_The tape of Renee plays._

**Bella: **Aw, fuck, you've got to be kidding.

**James: **_appears from shadows and holds up lingerie set. _I borrowed this from your house, I hope you don't mind. _Holds up camera. _We're going to make a movie.

**Bella: **I have movies just like this!

**James: **I know, I saw.

**Bella: **Where's my mom?

**James: **Really? This game isn't even fun anymore.

**Bella: **You could add a twist…

**James: **Good idea. _He snaps her leg._

**Bella: **Bro, not cool. _She pulls out weed._

**James: **Yo, lemme get some of that!

_Edward busts in._

_James and Bella are toking up on the floor with a blanket over them._

_She's wearing his silly lingerie outfit._

**Edward: **Bella, what the hell?

**Bella: **Edward, nothing happened, I swear. He did snap my leg, though.

_Edward attacks James._

_James lets him throw his temper tantrum for a while._

_James bitch slaps Edward._

**James: **Omnomnom. _He bites Bella's wrist._

_The other Cullens bust in._

_Alice runs to Bella_

**Alice: **Oh, the blood. _She licks Bella's shoulder/neck area._

**Carlisle: **Edward, get over here, Emmett can take care of it.

**Emmett: **WOOOOOOO! _He bodies James._

_Alice goes to help._

**Carlisle: **You can still suck the venom out.

**Edward: **BUT I CAN'T OMNOM IN PUBLIC!

_Bella's busy making her 'oh' face._

**Carlisle: **Look, you may not be as gorgeous as me, but you have just as much self control.


End file.
